So, I took my 2 youngest to counseling today.
I never thought my 7 year old would need counseling and maybe she didn't, but I'm glad we went.
My 6th grader on the other hand, I have been extremely worried about. First, he is in 6th grade and going through hormonal changes. (Do you like how I threw the puberty card in there?) Well, it's true. He has already gotten in trouble at school twice this year. I am concerned that he is acting out in other ways, because he doesn't know how to deal with the loss of Ryan.
Here's the kicker. Apparently, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH LOSS EITHER. I am doing a poor job modeling the grieving process. That's what I found out last week when I took my turn to go see the counselor. I will continue to see her again, but I have to tell you that today was good.
Today, my youngest children were heard by a mental health professional. Today, I feel like I was heard when my 6th grader was invited to come back to see the counselor again. For whatever reason, I feel like people think I am crazy when I say that RHM is hurting even more than Agent J. Agent J is Ryan's age, but seriously around a lot of support at school, in the band, at church, with his friends, and everywhere Agent J turns. But lil' RHM is at a school where no one knows Ryan and they are not sensitive or aware of my lil' guy's pain. RHM is hurting. That is what I see through my mommy eyes. The counselor said that he is processing and he came out with red eyes.
Life is hard.
Life is hard for my lil' guys.
But I'm not going crazy. I am seeing issues in my home and within myself and seeking help and guidance. That makes me feel reassured. I don't know why, but it does. Today was a good day.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
I feel my Savior's Love
SO... it was Stake Conference in AZ today. We had a broadcast from Salt Lake City with President Uchtdorf presiding. It was wonderful.
I woke up after a late night at the State Marching Band competition at Red Mountain High School in east Mesa. We went to bed late and the 2 oldest band kids went to bed even later because they stopped at Organ Stop Pizza (one of my favorites) with the whole band. SO FUN! The band earned the 2nd best band in the State going into the Championships in 2 weeks! SO AMAZING! Anywho...I went to bed late.
I woke up this Sunday, with a horrible cold. I might have had symptoms for 3 days, but this morning was the worst. Yet, I knew I needed to go to Stake Conference today. I needed to hear the talks and be uplifted. I got up, after getting my Sweetie to bring me a muffin and orange juice, and took a shower, then still felt like crap. I took medicine and put on my best dress and my highest heels. If you don't feel good, you might as well look good!
I am so glad I went. I loved the opening song, "I know the my Redeemer Lives". I cried the whole song. We were sitting on the back long row in the chapel just before the the gym floor begins and this cute 85 yr old man from Daisy Mountain ward was sitting next to me. He talked my ear off the whole 1/2 hour before the meeting began. He is a recent convert of 4 years. He is adorable and the cutest bald old man ever. I love Brother Neilson. He saw me crying and you could tell he was concerned. During our 1/2 hour conversation before the meeting, I told him about Ryan. He mentioned that he was working with a troubled YM in his ward with depression. I told him how serious depression is and that our family had a recent tragedy with my son's friend committing suicide recently. I pointed out Ryan's parents were sitting a few rows in front of us at this meeting.
I don't know if I was crying about Ryan during the opening song. I think I was crying because of how much I need my Savior right now. I am calling on the power of the atonement daily. I am in need to daily blessings just to get through the day. I have started seeing a counselor. Not sure if that's good yet. She thinks I have anxiety about my kids. I am open to her suggestion, but any fear I have must be addressed. I feel like I have a "Mommy radar" that is going off and I need to listen - even if it is anxiety.
The local choir then sang, "I Feel my Savior's Love" which was sung at Ryan's funeral. The intermediate hymn during the broadcast part of the meeting was "How Firm a Foundation" which was sung at Jenny Christenson's funeral just a few weeks before Ryan's funeral.
Mourning is a funny thing. Do you know that women in the 1800s had to wear black for up to 2 years after their husband passed away, but men only had to wear an extra black crate paper around their hats for 3 months. Interesting...
I've given myself 1 year to grieve and mourn over Ryan. Every first anniversary is going to be hard. But now I need to find a place to talk and grieve. I try to talk to friends who are there for me. But I can tell that I am just making them uncomfortable. I am reaching out to my VAPO friends, letting them know that I can't do everything anymore. Life in the school volunteering world, just doesn't seem important anymore. I really guard my time even more. I want to take care of me, but I find myself taking care of my family at the top of my list.
We as a family, went to Ryan's graveside today after Stake Conference. We shared our favorite Ryan memory. We answered Sweetie's questions. She is 7. She thought that Ryan would be buried by the temple and not in a cemetery. She is so innocent and cute. She skipped around the cemetery and read a lot of gravestones. Rylee didn't want to share a Ryan memory. She didn't want to talk at all.
I think I am worried about my kids and how they handle Ryan's suicide. We came home after that and talked about the Plan of Salvation. Good lesson. Still concerned about my kids. Love them and Love my supportive husband.
I woke up after a late night at the State Marching Band competition at Red Mountain High School in east Mesa. We went to bed late and the 2 oldest band kids went to bed even later because they stopped at Organ Stop Pizza (one of my favorites) with the whole band. SO FUN! The band earned the 2nd best band in the State going into the Championships in 2 weeks! SO AMAZING! Anywho...I went to bed late.
I woke up this Sunday, with a horrible cold. I might have had symptoms for 3 days, but this morning was the worst. Yet, I knew I needed to go to Stake Conference today. I needed to hear the talks and be uplifted. I got up, after getting my Sweetie to bring me a muffin and orange juice, and took a shower, then still felt like crap. I took medicine and put on my best dress and my highest heels. If you don't feel good, you might as well look good!
I am so glad I went. I loved the opening song, "I know the my Redeemer Lives". I cried the whole song. We were sitting on the back long row in the chapel just before the the gym floor begins and this cute 85 yr old man from Daisy Mountain ward was sitting next to me. He talked my ear off the whole 1/2 hour before the meeting began. He is a recent convert of 4 years. He is adorable and the cutest bald old man ever. I love Brother Neilson. He saw me crying and you could tell he was concerned. During our 1/2 hour conversation before the meeting, I told him about Ryan. He mentioned that he was working with a troubled YM in his ward with depression. I told him how serious depression is and that our family had a recent tragedy with my son's friend committing suicide recently. I pointed out Ryan's parents were sitting a few rows in front of us at this meeting.
I don't know if I was crying about Ryan during the opening song. I think I was crying because of how much I need my Savior right now. I am calling on the power of the atonement daily. I am in need to daily blessings just to get through the day. I have started seeing a counselor. Not sure if that's good yet. She thinks I have anxiety about my kids. I am open to her suggestion, but any fear I have must be addressed. I feel like I have a "Mommy radar" that is going off and I need to listen - even if it is anxiety.
The local choir then sang, "I Feel my Savior's Love" which was sung at Ryan's funeral. The intermediate hymn during the broadcast part of the meeting was "How Firm a Foundation" which was sung at Jenny Christenson's funeral just a few weeks before Ryan's funeral.
Mourning is a funny thing. Do you know that women in the 1800s had to wear black for up to 2 years after their husband passed away, but men only had to wear an extra black crate paper around their hats for 3 months. Interesting...
I've given myself 1 year to grieve and mourn over Ryan. Every first anniversary is going to be hard. But now I need to find a place to talk and grieve. I try to talk to friends who are there for me. But I can tell that I am just making them uncomfortable. I am reaching out to my VAPO friends, letting them know that I can't do everything anymore. Life in the school volunteering world, just doesn't seem important anymore. I really guard my time even more. I want to take care of me, but I find myself taking care of my family at the top of my list.
We as a family, went to Ryan's graveside today after Stake Conference. We shared our favorite Ryan memory. We answered Sweetie's questions. She is 7. She thought that Ryan would be buried by the temple and not in a cemetery. She is so innocent and cute. She skipped around the cemetery and read a lot of gravestones. Rylee didn't want to share a Ryan memory. She didn't want to talk at all.
I think I am worried about my kids and how they handle Ryan's suicide. We came home after that and talked about the Plan of Salvation. Good lesson. Still concerned about my kids. Love them and Love my supportive husband.
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