looking for more

feeling empty.

not sure why. I know the Lord is my Savior. I know I am a child of God. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my job as being a mom. Well... at least I think I do. Wink, wink.

I find myself waiting. Waiting for what, I am not sure. I am searching for something. Something more.

I am busily engaged in good causes everywhere, but yet not fulfilled in my soul. My mom would say I am too busy. I would tell her, I need to be busy or I get depressed.

I am active at my children's school. I am active in my church. I am busy with my 2 year old. I am trying to take care of my body. I could do more to take care of my spirit. So...I guess that is where I should start. I am typing this as I think it, not knowing if I will post this or not. I have many posts like this that I type not knowing if I will share with the rest of the world. Some things are just too personal.

I am not sure, but it feels like I am waiting for a shoe to drop. Normally people say, "the OTHER shoe to drop", but I don't think one of my shoes has fallen yet. This feeling of uneasiness has been with me for a couple of weeks. Not sure what to do about it, until I wrote this out. I realized above that I could do more to take care of my spiritual food. I could seek out more the words of the Lord. I guess that is where I will start, but mostly I have been praying for peace. Peace in my soul, not my life - because that is just too funny to even ask for! :) I mean really. Who can have peace with 4 young kids? Isn't that funny?

Here is the odd thing. I am not talking in code. There is no major life changing thing going on that I am hiding from this post. No one has died. No one is in physical pain. No one has been diagnosed with a disease. No one is telling lies or hiding the truth. I just feel unfulfilled right now. I honestly hope there is something more for me around the corner that I just don't see. (I am going to regret typing that, aren't I.)

Pause.

I went back and reread what I typed. It sounds like I am depressed, but my inner voice is shouting, "NO, she really isn't! Don't listen to her!" I have this feeling of emptiness, yet I am showing no outward signs of depression. I get out of bed. I take showers. I do what I have to do. To be honest, that is why I keep so busy, so I never show an outward sign of depression. I don't like that feeling of depression. You know. The one of emptiness. It feels lonely. I have been here before and made a promise to never go back.

Believe it or not, the busy mom of 4 (that is me) feels lonely a lot. The problem resides in me. I don't feel fulfilled and that is my fault. I am the only one that can change the way I feel. I need to go out of my way to make this feeling vanish. Over booking myself with friends is just a band aid. It covers the feeling while I am with them, but when they go home, I am lonely again. I need to be happy with ME! I love to feel needed. That is why I do so much at the school. School makes me feel needed and happy while I am there. I feel appreciated there. I don't feel that at church. I wonder if that is me, or if the church culture really does take people for granted. Just being honest. It is how I feel in this moment. When was the last time I THANKED my visiting teachers for coming over? When was the last time I THANKED a Sunday School teacher for preparing a wonderful lesson? When was the last time I THANKED anyone at church and REALLY meant it? You know the last time I felt fulfilled at church was when I was doing the Stake play and the Stake Trek. That was a great time. LOVED IT! I felt useful and helpful and appreciated. I have so much to offer, but right now I feel under utilized.

So...what to do? Well, I will do what I do everyday. Get out of bed, hike, take shower, drive the kids to school, stay for a meeting or two, organize the talent show at the school, help prepare for cookie dough delivery days at the school, play and read books with Sweetie, have lunch, avoid housework (hee hee), teach piano lessons, do homework with kids, throw together dinner (cereal is always good, right?), relax at night watching TV, go to bed and start over again. We have Family Home Evening once a week. I read my scriptures most days (like I said - could improve with my spiritual food). My life is actually very fulfilling, but I would like to FEEL fulfilled again.

It is in those quiet moments that I am looking for more.

post log - It feels silly to feel this way, when family members have real problems going on. Gallbladders, breast cancer, morality issues, and marriage problems are REAL problems. There is also much joy going on in the family all at the same time. Babies being born, baptisms, and missionaries sharing the gospel. Blessing are everywhere. I guess I am not "THAT DEPRESSED" that I can't see the good all around me. That, alone, is a blessing to me!

Princess Ball

Our church has a Princess Ball once a year for the girls 18 months - 12 years old. It is always fun to play dress up and send Daddy on a date. This year he was able to take both girls. SO FUN!

Remembering

In 2003, I had a chance to go to Ground Zero. I saw the emptiness of where the twin towers had once stood. There were workers present all around, yet the site was quiet. The feeling there is hard to describe.



But what I remember the most is the fences around the site. It was a year and a half after 9-11 and the fences were still covered. Sadness overwhelmed me.


Travis and I brought home from that trip to NY a puzzle that had the twin towers in the skyline. This puzzle was to be a gift for my mom, who watched the kids for us, but she helped us make the puzzle, modge podge the puzzle and frame it, then she gave it back to me. That puzzle of the skyline and twin towers is hanging in my bedroom. It reminds me of the skyline that I never got to see in person. The way life could have been.
I regret that I never saw this skyline in person, but today I remember that so many people died on this day 8 years ago. I will always remember.

Lame update, but an update nevertheless.

My blog seems to be turning LAME, because I have learned to edit my thoughts at least a little. (Thanks a lot hiking buddy. Now I am lame.)


What does this mean to my blog? It might be lame, but less offensive.

I am working on this at the school. It is going to be FUN!
Thanks Scottee for teaching me that I can make cool posters too! You inspired me. (But I still wish you were available to help me! You are missed.)

New Dream/ Goals to Find

I need some new goals in my life. You know how they do time capsules when you are in Young Women's about what your life will be like in the future. I never did a time capsule, but I did do a dream board. I was 17 and it was basically a poster about my future. It had a the colors of my future wedding on it, a college degree, kids, a house, and a handsome husband (obviously in random order).
Check,check, check, check and CHECK! My dream poster has seemed to come to life.

But the goals kind of stopped there on my dream board. No one ever tells you what life will be like in your 30's or 40's, yet people talk about preparing for retirement all the time. No one tells you how to live with those kids you brought to earth as they grow up and leave. No one talks about what to do when you don't have little ones at home anymore. No one talks about how to be a mom, when they really don't listen anymore. Sounds silly writing it out like this. I imagined being young and married and now I feel I have lived that. I always pictured Travis and I having breakfast together at IHOP when we are old, grey, and one of us is wearing plaid golf pants. Don't ask. I just never imagined what this "phase II" of adult life or middle phase would be like.

So far, this "phase II" has left me feeling a drift at sea and not on solid ground. SO, I ask... now, what?

Any ideas?

I have a college degree, but not one I can do much with. I could go back to school, become a social worker/ group counselor or even get some teaching credentials and become a substitute. But to be honest, I'd rather be home right now. Maybe I will change my mind when Sweetie is in school and sadly that is only 3 short years away. Lately, I feel a yearning to use my talents to make something happen. What exactly? I am not sure. All I know is that I can do more.

I know I need to be here for my family, but I also know that I am a better mom when I am fulfilled in my personal life (that is a lesson I learned as a young mom).

Here's to fulfilling my personal needs, family needs, and figuring out my "phase II" goals.

Pretty in Pink

Someone found the lip gloss while I was in the shower this morning.

*photo color NOT altered in anyway

She decided to bronze her body in pink glitter lip gloss. Did you know lip gloss doesn't wash off with soap and water? My eye make-up remover came in handy today on the hall table, couch, bathroom sink (where she tried to wash up before I found her), and on my little Sweetie. I think Sweetie has learned that less is more.

Boots

Every child loves playing in their Mom's boots, right?

Even boys, right?What about 12 year old boys? Hmm...