Little Moments Like This...: 2014

Thursday, November 6, 2014

First time

So, I took my 2 youngest to counseling today.

I never thought my 7 year old would need counseling and maybe she didn't, but I'm glad we went.

My 6th grader on the other hand, I have been extremely worried about. First, he is in 6th grade and going through hormonal changes. (Do you like how I threw the puberty card in there?) Well, it's true. He has already gotten in trouble at school twice this year. I am concerned that he is acting out in other ways, because he doesn't know how to deal with the loss of Ryan.

Here's the kicker. Apparently, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH LOSS EITHER. I am doing a poor job modeling the grieving process. That's what I found out last week when I took my turn to go see the counselor. I will continue to see her again, but I have to tell you that today was good.

Today, my youngest children were heard by a mental health professional. Today, I feel like I was heard when my 6th grader was invited to come back to see the counselor again. For whatever reason, I feel like people think I am crazy when I say that RHM is hurting even more than Agent J. Agent J is Ryan's age, but seriously around a lot of support at school, in the band, at church, with his friends, and everywhere Agent J turns. But lil' RHM is at a school where no one knows Ryan and they are not sensitive or aware of my lil' guy's pain. RHM is hurting. That is what I see through my mommy eyes. The counselor said that he is processing and he came out with red eyes.

Life is hard.

Life is hard for my lil' guys.

But I'm not going crazy. I am seeing issues in my home and within myself and seeking help and guidance. That makes me feel reassured. I don't know why, but it does. Today was a good day.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

I feel my Savior's Love

SO... it was Stake Conference in AZ today. We had a broadcast from Salt Lake City with President Uchtdorf presiding. It was wonderful.

I woke up after a late night at the State Marching Band competition at Red Mountain High School in east Mesa. We went to bed late and the 2 oldest band kids went to bed even later because they stopped at Organ Stop Pizza (one of my favorites) with the whole band. SO FUN! The band earned the 2nd best band in the State going into the Championships in 2 weeks! SO AMAZING! Anywho...I went to bed late.

I woke up this Sunday, with a horrible cold. I might have had symptoms for 3 days, but this morning was the worst. Yet, I knew I needed to go to Stake Conference today. I needed to hear the talks and be uplifted. I got up, after getting my Sweetie to bring me a muffin and orange juice, and took a shower, then still felt like crap. I took medicine and put on my best dress and my highest heels. If you don't feel good, you might as well look good!

I am so glad I went. I loved the opening song, "I know the my Redeemer Lives". I cried the whole song. We were sitting on the back long row in the chapel just before the the gym floor begins and this cute 85 yr old man from Daisy Mountain ward was sitting next to me. He talked my ear off the whole 1/2 hour before the meeting began. He is a recent convert of 4 years. He is adorable and the cutest bald old man ever. I love Brother Neilson. He saw me crying and you could tell he was concerned. During our 1/2 hour conversation before the meeting, I told him about Ryan. He mentioned that he was working with a troubled YM in his ward with depression. I told him how serious depression is and that our family had a recent tragedy with my son's friend committing suicide recently. I pointed out Ryan's parents were sitting a few rows in front of us at this meeting.

I don't know if I was crying about Ryan during the opening song. I think I was crying because of how much I need my Savior right now. I am calling on the power of the atonement daily. I am in need to daily blessings just to get through the day. I have started seeing a counselor. Not sure if that's good yet. She thinks I have anxiety about my kids. I am open to her suggestion, but any fear I have must be addressed. I feel like I have a "Mommy radar" that is going off and I need to listen - even if it is anxiety.

The local choir then sang, "I Feel my Savior's Love" which was sung at Ryan's funeral. The intermediate hymn during the broadcast part of the meeting was "How Firm a Foundation" which was sung at Jenny Christenson's funeral just a few weeks before Ryan's funeral.

Mourning is a funny thing. Do you know that women in the 1800s had to wear black for up to 2 years after their husband passed away, but men only had to wear an extra black crate paper around their hats for 3 months. Interesting...

I've given myself 1 year to grieve and mourn over Ryan. Every first anniversary is going to be hard. But now I need to find a place to talk and grieve. I try to talk to friends who are there for me. But I can tell that I am just making them uncomfortable. I am reaching out to my VAPO friends, letting them know that I can't do everything anymore. Life in the school volunteering world, just doesn't seem important anymore. I really guard my time even more. I want to take care of me, but I find myself taking care of my family at the top of my list.

We as a family, went to Ryan's graveside today after Stake Conference. We shared our favorite Ryan memory. We answered Sweetie's questions. She is 7. She thought that Ryan would be buried by the temple and not in a cemetery. She is so innocent and cute. She skipped around the cemetery and read a lot of gravestones. Rylee didn't want to share a Ryan memory. She didn't want to talk at all.

I think I am worried about my kids and how they handle Ryan's suicide. We came home after that and talked about the Plan of Salvation. Good lesson. Still concerned about my kids. Love them and Love my supportive husband.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

September 29th - October 29th

Well, it's been one month.

Last night I went to go see my Bishop. I asked for help with my kids, but he noticed more. He noticed that I needed to stay away from FEAR. I am fearful. I am fearful that I will be focused on my own grief and miss something important with my kids. It is no fun at all. Living in that panicked state of what to do. Am I there for my kids? Am I there for my spouse? Am I there for Pam? Am I there for her family? I could care less about VAPO and Band Booster stuff. I am worried about people. I think I have a desire to hold people together. To not miss a thing.

The truth is I will miss things. And it's ok. I will miss moments where my kids break down or are needing more. I will miss life moments, while I am sharing and making my own life moments. I have raised independent kids. I like that. Now, I just feel the need to educate them and have good copeing techniques in place so they know where to turn.

I wise friend told me after a recent loss of a friend to cancer, that everytime you have a loss it brings up old losses. That is interesting to me.

People that have died in my life and a few notes of the outcomes:

Great Grandma Audra - I spoke at her funeral at age 12
Grandpa Keith - my Dad fell apart, divorced my mom and married his sectretary
Grandpa Ruel
Grandma Colleen - my Dad inherited Aunt Nancee
Grandma Dora - no more Idaho house to visit
Miscarriage
Cousin - Aunt Gay's son
John Larson (suicide while in service - co workers son)
Aunt DeeAnn (sudden and unexpected in Florida - favorite cousin's mom)
friend Jenny
Ryan - 17 yrs old

I'm sure that list is unfinished and a tad out of order. Anywho - it is a start. A start to where all of this grief is coming from. I am so sad and yet I am still doing so much. At some point I just might break.

The Bishop gave me a blessing last night. I felt peace. I felt clear headed. I felt white.

I am looking for help for me and my family. I am looking to cope. I am looking to move forward, like I am, but maybe with a little more peace.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Four Mondays Ago

On September 29, 2014 it was a Monday. I got up like any other school morning and we read scriptures together as a family of 6 AM. But instead of lounging around I took a shower and got ready for the day after scriptures so that I could take my sister to an 830 PT appointment. I never made it to that appointment. I never drove the kids to school that morning. And I never expected the phone call I was about to get.

About 10 minutes before 7 AM, my cell phone starts buzzing saying that it's Pam cell phone. I pick up and I say hello? Pam is my hiking buddy and friend. No one answers the phone. I can hear rustling in the background and then I hear Pam's voice say we need to call Audra. I start shouting into the phone "I think you butt dial me up and I'm here. Pick up the phone and say hello!"

"Hi Audra. This is Cheryl Griffith".

"Oh hi Cheryl. I thought it was Pam's cell phone calling me there must be something wrong with my cell phone!"

"There's nothing wrong with your cell phone Audra this is Pam cell phone."

"Oh"

"I'm with Pam in the hospital. And Ryan took his own life last night" (Ryan, age 17, awesome friend to JT and family vacation guest this summer to the beach.)

"What?!?!"

"We are at the hospital now with Ryan and his parents and Alex is with us too".

"You made a mistake. Ryan's just sick or hurt right? He's not really gone?"

"No. We're here at the hospital with Pam and Dana and Ryan is gone. "

"Are you sure this isn't some mistake? Which hospital are you at right now? On my gosh oh my gosh."

She went on to explain which hospital they were at. I hung up the phone and ran downstairs. I told Travis and JT that I needed to speak with them up and JT's room. After we told JT what happened, we went downstairs and told the other three kids. Everyone was in shock. JT and Seth were crying Rylee had tears in her eyes and Makenna was just confused. JT and I were getting ready to go straight to the hospital. I told the rest of the kids that no one had to go to school today. And then I ran out the door.

Before I ran out the door I made two phone calls. I called Mrs. B, the band director at the high school. And then I called the aunt of Ryan's current girlfriend. Once I got in the car I made two more phone calls. I called the band booster Coordinator. And I can't remember who else I called.

JT and I arrived at the hospital by 7:20 AM.

When I arrived I found Cheryl Griffith. Dana, Ryan's dad, was on the phone in the waiting area. And Pam, Ryan's mom, was in a different room being interviewed by a detective. I tried to stay out of that room as long as I could but within a couple minutes I was in that room hugging her like I've never hugged anyone before. I sat down next to her and listened at the detective to finish his interview with her.
I found out at that time that Ryan was found in his car. He had died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Cheryl did say something about him being in his car when she called but it didn't register at that time. Pam got up at 4:30- 440 in the morning to go to her 5 AM workout class. When she came downstairs there were cupboards that had been gone through in the kitchen and things just weren't right. She went upstairs and saw that Ryan wasn't in his bed. She woke up Dana and they started looking for Ryan. Dana found Ryan in his parked car in front of the house in the driveway.

There is a whole lot of horrible stuff that happened next. I can't even imagine the images that are in my friends' heads. Pam and Dana called 911 and tried to revive their son. The ambulance came and took Ryan to the hospital. At that point they woke up their college age son Alex who slept through this whole ordeal, and told him what happened. Alex drove Pam and Dana to the hospital.

There was a tiny miracle to happen when Pam called 911. A member of our stake and police officer, heard the address of the 911 call and actually contacted Pam at Dana's bishop and stake president. Those priesthood leaders were there within minutes of Pam and Dana's arrival at the hospital. They were all at the hospital by 5:20 AM.

They gave Ryan four shots to his heart to try to revive him. But he was gone. If they were able to start his heart, his brain would have been brain-dead and Ryan would've been a vegetable.

Goodbyes were said. Priesthood blessings were given to Pam, Dana, and Alex. Tons of phone calls were made. The stake president took care of the mortuary. We stayed at the hospital until the medical examiners came to take Ryan's body. And those priesthood leaders and Ryan's brother in law actually removed Ryan's car from the property. They did a really hard thing.

I've been wanting to write about this life-changing experience but haven't been able to put it into words. This morning I'm sitting here at Ryan's graveside adjusting to a new normal.

On his temporary marker it says "you are loved". While that statement is very true no amount of love could've saved Ryan from the deep dark depression that was clouding his judgment and his mind.

If you know someone who is suffering with depression or having suicidal thoughts please get help.
Reach out. Speak up. If you know someone has a plan, call 911. I googled "suicide prevention lifeline" and found a lot of good information.

Right now this is just a start. There is so much mercy that is been shown through this horrible tragedy. But the stories will have to flow out one at a time. Right now this is the start of what happened for Monday's ago.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Angel Moroni one year later...

A year ago today, I was driving the kindergarten carpool home. Let's back up for just a second. It wasn't my day to drive the carpool, but for whatever reason I was up at the school anyway and called and offered to drive three kindergarteners home. I dropped off Alison Case and then on my way to Jackson's house - I happened to see this as I drove past the temple.

Needless to say, I never made it to Jackson's house. I called his mom and Alison's house too. I asked Julie to bring water because the kids were thirsty. It was probably around 11:30 a.m.

I pulled over in the parking lot and parked my van. I started taking pictures and video of this crane putting up the top pieces to the Phoenix Temple.

It wasn't until I walked a little further that I realized that the Angel Moroni was going on top of the temple that day. May 15, 2013. I will never forget this day. I ran into lots of friends who were doing the same thing I was. Below you will see Carolyn Fulton and Dawn Hansen. I ran into President Winters. He asked, "How did you know about this?" I said I didn't. It wasn't even my day to drive. I will always be grateful for the Holy Ghost in my life. If I hadn't offered to drive the carpool this day, I would have never seen this event. I also stood next to Kathy Mathews for part of the day. Some of these pictures (the good ones) are hers that she emailed me.

The best part about this day was Jackson. He looked up at me before his mother got to the temple and said in his best lil' kindergarten voice, "I knew! I just knew it! I knew the Angel Moroni would go up on MY BIRTHDAY!"
That said it all. He was so happy to share this day with the Phoenix Temple and Angel Moroni. He was simply beaming. His smile was across his face and his eyes twinkled. I will NEVER forget this day, mostly because of Jackson.

Don't get me wrong. I would have remembered this day anyway. I grew up in St. Louis in a time when the closest temple was Chicago. Youth trip to the temple were by charter bus and left super early and came home super late.

The reality of having the Phoenix Temple literally 2 miles from my house is amazing! I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful structure being built near my little home. I never thought my children would have release time seminary. I never thought I would have a temple so close. I feel spoiled. I feel enriched. I mostly I feel overwhelmed and prepared all at the same time. Weird, I know.

The water that Julie brought us didn't last very long. My lil' Sweetie was getting hungry and it was hot out. We found the Hassell family and they shared a few chicken nuggets with my kindergartener.
This was prime lunch time and I don't remember leaving the parking lot this day until after 1:30 p.m. I remember bumping into the McCrery family. They went and pulled their children out of school so they could each witness this day. Great parenting. Why didn't I think of that? Then I answered my question in my head. I didn't want to miss a thing. I couldn't leave and miss this milestone. I would have to share this with them through story. And I have.

As the Angel Moroni went up that day one year ago, the impromptu crowd started singing "The Spirit of God" It was amazing! Now the rumor is that the Phoenix Temple will have an open house for the public in November of 2014. I hope all of my friends will go on the tour of this temple with me. I am so excited to share it with you!